The Rules

I know the rules.

There is a book of rules each new resident to the Big City is given upon arrival. I have read it carefully.

One of the basic rules is simple: "The resident shall, when preparing to leave work, home or place of entertainment, where it can be reasonably be expected he/she knows where the "facilities" are located, shall make use of said facilities."

This is especially important if the resident intends to make use of the mass transit system, where in their wisdom, the designers installed restrooms, but the management has installed padlocks on the restrooms.

So, this is the rule. I live by it faithfully.

That wasn't always the case. I remember one uncomfortable afternoon, while walking in midtown Manhattan, having an urge come upon me. As I walked, I looked for a fast food restaurant. The problem became more acute as I walked. It seems that this neighborhood had an electronics store on every block, but not a McDonalds.

It didn't help that they named the electronics chain "The Wiz".

Do you remember the episode of Seinfield where George shows Jerry and Kramer where to find a restroom in an office building? Well, here is your tip:

Grace Building, on 42nd Street, between Fifth and Sixth Avenues, 15th floor. When you get off of the elevator you can turn two ways. Turn right and you are looking at a police officer. Turn left and you are facing the receptionist. You can get to the restroom either way. Go towards the cop. You will never get past Lois, the receptionist.

In fact, you can even ask the cop for directions.

Now, today's tale.

This evening I went to a movie. It was a movie at a local art theater. No, not that kind of Art Theater. This really shows art movies. You know, movies with sub-titles.

After the show I planned to stop at the "facilities".

However, the exit didn't take me through the lobby. I found myself on the street. I started towards the subway.

Upon arrival at the top of the subway stairs it occurred to me, I JUST PAID TEN DOLLARS TO WATCH A MOVIE I HAD TO READ! I NEED TO PEE! I DESERVE TO PEE AT THAT THEATER!

I returned to the theater. I walked into the lobby. I looked at all of the possible doors. I found one painted all black and opened it. Inside was Nirvana. The restroom. I was thrilled.

So kids, today's lesson regarding life in the Big City is this: If you want something you must look for it. Seek it out. Pay for it if you must. However, as much of a rebel as you are, or you may want to be, it is NEVER a good idea to pee on the subway's third rail.

I love this city.