Escalators

Escalators

December 17, 2001 2:40 P.M.

There is an unnatural fascination with escalators in this town. Everywhere you go in The Big City you will find either an escalator or a revolving door or both. It is almost as if residents of The Big City can't be trusted to walk up a flight of stairs.

I have noticed there are several types of escalators in The Big City. The most common type is the "double wide". On this device there are rules. For example, if you are going to stand still for the ride you must stand on the right hand side of the step. This allows the Type A personalities to walk past you on the left side. This works most of the time because most people know the rule. The rule is not actually posted anywhere. If you don't know the rule someone coming up behind you will be happy to explain it in one or two words.

Couples who are currently dating and are still hanging all over each other often ignore the rule. They insist on holding hands up the escalator. No amount of prompting from the rear can separate these lovebirds.

The system also doesn't work well when there is someone on the escalator who exceeds the device's "normal" design. But enough about me and my big butt.

Another type of escalator is the "single wide". On this device you can only fit one person per step. Unless the entire column of people chooses to walk the escalator everyone is stuck in the position they took when they boarded. Frankly, this shouldn't be a big problem as the trip is usually about 30 seconds or less. Here in The Big City though they have installed "single wides" going to all of the commuter bus gates in the Port Authority Bus Terminal (PABT). Many commuters have timed out their trip home to the second. If they arrive at the escalator to their gate and have found it is not moving quickly they could miss their bus.

Waiting a half-hour at the PABT for the next bus shouldn't be traumatic except for two points. There is no place comfortable to sit at the PABT (by design, to discourage loitering) and if you need a bathroom you will find the homeless have camped out in the stalls at the PABT. At least they have in the men's room. I can't speak to what is happening in the ladies room.

Another type of escalator is the type found in Macy's, at 34th St. and Broadway. These are the escalators installed before development of sheet metal. They are wooden escalators and can be found all over the store. I once went to Macy's and took the escalators to the seventh floor. These antique escalators are actual tourist destinations. At this point they are likely protected historic sites and as such cannot be removed.

They have installed escalators in many of the subway stations. If you once owned an ant farm and was fascinated at watching the ants then watching commuters bottleneck onto the subway escalators is for you.

I was descending an escalator this morning when a co-worker tried to get my attention, just to say hello. I didn't notice. When on the escalator I get the "thousand mile stare". While I like to think I'm maintaining my hickness, I am slowing become just another one of the pod people. I never really thought it was possible to sleep standing up with my eyes open but here I am.

I hope Christmas brings you joy.